Awesome Duck

Caramel Jones – 17

ALM — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 09:51:51 +0000

Caramel Jones isn’t for the chil’ren. Caramel Jones tells it like it is. Caramel Jones may be NSFW. Caramel Jones implores you to remember that what has been read cannot be un-read. Caramel Jones digs disclaimers.

Dear Caramel Jones,

This pretty girl at school keeps ignoring me whenever I wanna say hi to her. How do I get her attention?

Milhouse

Dear Milhouse,

First of all, you will need to know the difference between getting a girl’s attention and gaining her affection. Getting her attention (or anyone else’s, for that matter) can take just wearing a green man suit to the cafeteria while holding sparklers while riding a pink skateboard to the song, “Power of Love.” But, I’m guessing you’re not the type to do anything for a laugh or a smile. If you were, you would just be another casual reader of Awesome Duck. But, anyway, here’s how to gain some affection.

You can try creating some kind of buzz about yourself and increasing your popularity stock in your school. If you’re athletic (and I’m guessing you’re not, with a name like Milhouse) then join some kind of team. A real sports team. No chick will notice you playing tennis or golf. If you’re a jerk (again, not a Milhouse kind of thing), then just be yourself with that. It’s not that girls actually like jerks, they’re just attracted to them. So, here’s the deal. If you’re not an asshole or jock, it’s gonna be hard to get that girl’s attention. Also, you didn’t disclose what kind of girl she is. Is she in the school band? Is she a goth chick? Is she a nerd? Artsy? Or, is she just a popular bitch?

So, since you don’t seem like the type that would get anything JUST being himself, I’d say just go with the direct and heavy approach. “Lay your nuts on the table,” as they say in some parts. Now, if it were Caramel Jones, I would just literally lay my actual nuts on the real table she’s sitting at. It works every time. So, just take every fear and doubt that your bitch-ass may have at the moment of truth and bottle that shit up as rocket fuel and propel your-damn-self to her at her locker and lay out all the details about who you is, muh’fuckuh. Straight up don’t give a frying shit about who’s around her and how late you’re gonna be for the next class. Shit, run up to her like, “Look here. We need to talk.” If she reacts, you’ve just jumped the first hurdle: getting her attention.

If she says something, cut her off. Trust me on this. JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Cut her off and be like, “Listen, (calling her something on the lines of ‘hoe’ or something similar is optional yet not recommended) this is how it is.” But, don’t let yourself get entirely caught up by the heat of the moment. Reserve that shit for later. If she has to go, let her but reiterate that you’ve got something for her. With that, there will be no way in HELL she won’t be thinking about you and the ballsy approach to getting what you want. It’ll flatter her and, yeah, she may think you’re crazy but, fuck it. Crazy is better than mundane. You’ll no longer be mundane-ass Milhouse. As a matter of fact, your name would sound ironic to her with how in-your-face you are, sorta like how a big dude can be called “Tiny” in prison and shit.

But, don’t get too happy yet. I would say wait a little bit and delay actually talking to her for awhile after that. Kinda ignore HER and let it marinate and I bet she’ll be imagining how your cock will taste like. Show no weakness! Make her want YOU! So, there goes the second achievement being unlocked: gaining her affection. Just make sure your follow-up is in the same trajectory as the first shot. Just keep finding ways to wow her and she’ll be yours forever. Unless you get tired of the bitch and move the fuck on.

That’s my advice, homeskillet. Everything that you want is just outside your comfort zone. Remember that shit and you’ll be good for life. Get that hoe, mane.

Sincerely,

Caramel Jones

Facebook, You Bastard…

ALM — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 16:50:06 +0000

I was on Facebook Mobile all night at my job and all I saw were angry status updates about how Facebook fucked everyone’s world up again. It was only about 3 months since the last change and it wasn’t that bad, in my opinion. So, I thought, “Hey, maybe it was just a little tweak and everyone just had mini-tragedies right before logging on.

Holy shit, it is a bad as everyone says it is. The meeting about installing these new changes must’ve went like this:

Young, impressionable executive: “Mr. Zuckerman. Have you heard that Google+ just went live yesterday?

Zuckerman: “Google what? Nah, I was too busy swimming in my money bin and literally making it rain with this top-secret weather-altering device that I bribed from a higher-up at Lockheed. What’s up?”

YIE: “Well, this thing isn’t Myspace. It doesn’t take about 5 minutes for someone’s profile to load and it’s, well, Google. This could be a worthy adversary.”

Z: “Ah, yeah. I’ve heard that company is actually run by machines. How can we compete with that?! Ideas! On the table! Now!”

YIE: “Well, our ideas aren’t so great but it’s enough to shake things up. Our analysis has shown that people tend to get too bored with things that are comfortable and familiar. We can’t afford to have things being too easy for our users. They may start calling us ‘outdated’ and ‘retarded.’”

Z: “Yeah, people are mean. That’s why I’m an asshole. I learn on people’s bullshit. So, um. Let’s keep that annoying sidebar and, um, make it more annoying and noticeable.”

YIE: “Like a very active and constant news ticker that shows things that people don’t care about at all?”

Z: “Exactly. Make it to where it’s so dominant, the actual News Feed is affected. Oh, and make the News Feed less crowded by only having just a few status updates appear periods at a time.”

YIE: “But, sir…”

Z: “Sure, people may miss some actual important shit from their most cherished friends but, fuck it. They need bigger circles, anyway. Oh, let’s have something to denote that that annoying thing they aren’t so wild about is something they should definitely read.”

YIE: “Like, something on the corner of a status?”

Z: “Yes! I’m glad I hired you. Don’t fuck up. But, that’s a great idea. Let’s make blue triangles and put them on the left side to counteract with the sidebar on the right. That way, no one escapes my wrath.”

YIE: “Excellent, sir.”

Z: “You know what? I’m not even that worried about Google+.”

YIE: “And, why is that, sir?”

Z: “Because people tend to have some kind of “battered women” syndrome. No matter how shitty things can be on our site, familiarity tends to set in and some kind of sick bond develops to where people cannot leave, no matter what. See? That’s why I’m a billionaire. I can play golf on Mars, if I wanted to. I ate endangered bald eagle eggs for breakfast this morning. Just like how I make people work for me, I make people work to get them to like my product more. So, um, make it to where people have to click on things more for what they really want to do to appear.”

YIE: “Like, how so?”

Z: “For one, don’t have the status bar in clear view anymore. Make people search for that shit. You know what? Let’s phase that thing out, eventually. People are talking shit about me. Oh, and let’s add more lists that people aren’t going to use.”

YIE: “Brilliant, sir. But, what about the ability to remove the sidebar?”

Z: “Make it to where if people try to be smart and hide the sidebar, the news ticker will be up and running and will not be able to be removed.”

YIE: “How about this, sir? How about we let people subscribe to posts like they do on Twitter? We could possibly kill both Twitter and Google+ with that one.”

Z: “Yeah, yeah. That’s awesome! People are always talking about how our site violates privacy and all of that. As long as you know that people in general are narcissistic by nature, you can use that and put your hooks into them. I know that because I’m not a narcissist at all. I’m Mark fucking Zuckerburg!”

YIE: “Yes, sir, you are! Anything else?”

Z: “Yes. You’re fired. Thanks for the ideas. Go ahead and try to sue me. You won’t win. Haven’t you seen The Social Network? Get the fuck out of my office-castle.”

This Duck Is Awesome. Apparently.

ALM — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 00:38:03 +0000

Hello there, Quacks. It’s the company mascot taking time out of his interstellar travels, conquests, and get-rich schemes to shed light on the mockery the Internet has constructed out of the search of the keywords: “awesome” and “duck.” This is the first video that popped up when I typed in the keywords in YouTube’s search bar. Are you friggin’ kidding me? This “duck” (which I’m pretty sure is a goose) is doing a happy dance after having bread thrown to him on the ground. I mean, I’m not so much of a duck rights advocate here but COME ON. How are you gonna degrade yourself in front of The Man (humans) for a measly piece of grain and yeast? It’s bad enough that they confuse you with being a duck! That’s it. People are stupid and Awesome Duck will push forth to show the world that ducks everywhere need to be respected and portrayed in a more positive light. That video only shows that specism still exists! I must put an end to this NOW. But, it’ll be awhile before I build up enough courage to stop Chinatowns from hanging my people on display at their restaurant windows. Genocide, man. It’s genocide.

Awesome Duck signing off.

6 Things I Remember About The Game Gear

ALM — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 13:13:43 +0000

Sega made it to compete with Nintendo’s highly successful GameBoy. I never got one. Kinda glad I didn’t. Let some other sorry friend of mine buy it for me to use when I’m not terrorizing the neighborhood with the rest of my bike (bicycle) gang back in the day. Like I’ve mentioned before. I really don’t plan my posts ahead of time. Six is the number I randomly threw out there and I will stick with it and go from there.

1) It was fuckin’ huge!
I know, I know. “That’s what she said” and all that. But, seriously. This thing could’ve been a valuable tool for looters during the L.A. riots. I doubt that there is glass or a glass-like material that is strong enough to withstand having a Game Gear thrown at it. It was like a massive volcanic rock that was smoothed over by the currents of the ocean over about a thousand years or so. Need support for something or a step ladder? Use the Game Gear.

2) The back-lit screen was bright as hell!
I just remember after pulling the “lever” to “on,” it was like staring unto an oncoming train. Playing games on it was definitely a “deer in the headlights” string of moments. Hmmm. I wonder if anyone has gotten a tan from the obvious UV rays that projected out of the machine.

3) Big system, big cartridge
Oh, Eternal Champions wasn’t released for the Game Gear? Well, don’t put that Genesis game so close to the Game Gear games! Seeing how the Game Gear can make your biceps bigger, the cartridges were like an extra weigh plate. If the “rumblepack” technology was available during its release, it would have been the first Shake Weight.

4) The thought of a colored (barely) handheld system blew our minds
The Gameboy had this crazy green-grayish tint to the screen. If it were illuminated, every game would’ve looked like it was in night-vision perspective. While the colors of the Game Gear didn’t go past probably a, I don’t know, 128-color palette, it was underwhelming, considering that a Sega Genesis or Super Nintendo was at your house and all you had to do was wait for about another 30 minutes. That’s the reason why I don’t own a portable gaming system right now. I have patience. It also had a TV tuner attachment. Again. I have patience.

5) It provided it’s own energy crisis
It took, like, 8 “C” batteries for the damn thing to get powered. And, that was for about 15 minutes. If you plug that fucker in, providing that the electricity in your whole house didn’t short out, you’d probably have the police monitor your house for suspicious activity due to the ridiculous energy consumption. Speaking in gas terms, this thing was the H2 of handhelds.

6) It didn’t last long and it didn’t have a successor
Sega just quit after this system because Nintendo was completely owning the portable gaming market. Maybe it’s because little kids could actually hold a GameBoy. The GameBoy got smaller and more advanced through the years (even having a child with the SNES called the “Super Gameboy) while Sega concentrated on lapping up by attaching a CD drive and a 32X system to the existing Genesis console. Screw the Game Gear. And, the Genesis. And, the Saturn. And, (though, admittedly very fun) the Dreamcast. You can now play Sonic the Hedgehog on Xbox 360 and Wii.

By the way, I did NOT exaggerate the specs at all!

Caramel Jones – 16

ALM — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 14:19:40 +0000

I keep hearing that terrible word. You know the one. The b-word. Bitch. From what I learned growing up its not polite to refer to women that way. But from what I seen from high school and up it seems like its kinda okay to say it and a lot of women don’t seem to mind. In fact it I see a lot of women refer to other women as bitches a lot! I don’t understand it. Its a bad word to use on a woman but women don’t seem to mind when rappers say it all the time. Everyone knows that the bad boys get the women. I personally know more than a few and they say that word a lot too like its on sale. Being a guy who appreciates the women in his life I really don’t see myself doing it but it can’t really hurt right? You seem to be a nice guy with an edge and I know you say it a lot and I know for a fact you get them all the time. So tell me this Caramel Jones. Is it really okay to call women bitches nowadays?

Thanks in advance.

Francis

Dear Francis,

I don’t know. Ask a bitch.

Sincerely,

Caramel Jones

Channel 99

ALM — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 14:31:30 +0000

As evidenced by pretty much approximately 98% of my posts on this awesome site, I am a 90′s kid. And, I watched a lot of TV, growing up. I’ve already discussed my affinity for programs such as GUTS, Darkwing Duck, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I’ve even let out my true feelings about the wives on TV sitcoms I would have LOVED to be my mom’s best friends. I knew what was good, early on. Sometimes, I would get lucky and stumble upon some things I should’ve haven’t gotten ahold of.

One of those things was Channel 99 (or the Adam and Eve Channel). Aw, yes. This was my porn outside of stealing nudey mags from convenience stores and laughing at dogs humping things. It was almost like it was a promise like, “Do you see how great this is? Well, just imagine seeing it clearly.” I was sucked in like I was the little girl from Poltergeist. I forgot how I discovered the squiggly-lined piece of paradise but it was like playing Where’s Waldo except Waldo was breasts and he moved all over the page.

Hell, the sounds were good enough for me. Watching Channel 99 on mute was like trying to masturbate without a hard-on. There was no pleasure in it and I was trying to hard. Hmm. When I think about it, maybe that’s the reason my vision got worse. Squinting while glaring close to the screen probably did me in. But, it was worth it, dammit! I felt that sometimes, Channel 99 would “mess up” on purpose and give desperate viewers like myself the Full Monty. Sure, it was blurry and fuzzy but it was better than what felt like trying to flip through a Hustler outdoors while in the middle of a snowstorm. But, this usually occurred during the hours between midnight and, say, 3 am, like it was in direct competition with USA’s Up All Night.

Those of you who are fans of Pokemon (after my time) are most likely snickering and wondering why I just didn’t log in to the Interwebs and just click “Yes, I’m over 18.” Well, that’s because this was ALL pre-Internet. This was all we had. Shit was easy for us. For a 12 year old back then to see a live-action full-naked female figure was almost an act of God, like it was meant to be. R-rated movies provided that, sometimes, but we had to fool our parents into letting us watch this movie. “A friend at my school told me it had no nudity. Honest!” The ability to just look at porn was very black market for us.

It was like covert fucking ops. One time, I almost had a breach when my mom walked in on me watching Channel 99. The remote was conveniently busted, so the channel buttons tried to have me grounded. My saving grace was the “previous channel” button. But, you know what? I’m sure my mother knew what it was. She was probably proud of me in a way I’m trying so hard to clarify and justify right here. I don’t know. I should just stop writing. Either way, Channel 99 was, like, the best thing ever back in the day. The only thing that beat that was having a sleep over at a friend’s house that had Skinemax.

Clerks: An Analysis

ALM — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 15:02:27 +0000

Bunch of savages in this town...

Someone asked me to explain why Clerks is one of the best comedies in modern history and has such as cult following. Thank goodness for that inquiry because I was honestly fresh out of things to write about on this blog. Just kidding. I’m just fucking lazy sometimes. So, Clerks. Kevin Smith’s first film and America’s introduction to the View Askew universe. Why is it so cool?

First of all, it has a grainy feel to it that is highly reminiscent of how almost every movie would look like playing out of your family’s first VCR. And, I don’t mean just any VCR. I’m talking the toploader VCR. I mean, sure. Clerks came out in 1994 but that might as well be, like 38 years ago, considering how unsharp the images were on film. But, that’s a great thing. It was almost like this black and white portrayal of everyday life in a trashy Jersey town was an attempt to showcase just how “off color” the humor was. The word “fuck” was in every other sentence and, dammit, I loved that. The film only cost Kevin Smith around $27,000 to make, which was a shitload of money for him at the time. So, I guess the lack of color turned out well, not just in the budget.

The story was fantastic. I just love how not much happened outside of the Quick Stop and RST Video. The storytelling was so concentrated and that’s what made everything so personal. So much of the dialogue, especially between Dante and Randall, was very compressed between those who were talking that it was like the only thing separating you from joining into the conversation was that damned fourth wall. Despite the rough acting and not-so-perfect timing of the words spoken, the language was still compelling enough to grasp one’s attention to wonder how the clerks will end up towards the end of the movie.

The characters were pretty memorable. Dante was that whiny dude that everyone could tolerate just enough to find some entertainment value in. Randall was that asshole that had the very same quality. The iconic Jay and Silent Bob were likable bums that supplied a great amount of side action to save from monotony. That’s the beauty of it. So much is going on yet we barely left the store! This film included and touched on things such as hockey on the roof, hypothetical nerdcore situations about how the Empire in Star Wars functioned, seeing which kind of customers typically pissed them off, very open arguments regarding falatio, things that shouldn’t happen to ANYONE EVER but did, realizing just how much of a pervert your friend is, the inner workings of business and negative influence, wondering why the fuck does everyone get so fucking insulted so easily, and, ultimately, going after what you want.

The reason for it being a cult classic? Well, usually cult classics are films that not truly recognized or appreciated by the mainstream due to their campy feel despite the awesomeness that is projected through celluloid. Being that Kevin Smith was very much under the radar, Clerks definitely fits that profile. You can truly tell that this movie wasn’t made to win awards. It seemed, if anything, this movie was made as a vehicle made out of frustration to propel Smith out of the same social state that Dante and Randall were in. Well, that’s what I got out of it. It turns out that Smith directed this film during closing hours while working the day shift at that very same Quick Stop convenience store. But, forget all of that. Clerks is just funny. Mad funny.

Now, I may (most likely) be in the minority here but I feel that Clerks 2 is actually better than the original film. I know. Blasphemy. That’s because the sequel managed to keep the same elements I’ve mentioned in this post yet still be original and hilarious on its own. Yes, it was better. But, not by much. Clerks is definitely a classic.

Caramel Jones – 15

Caramel Jones — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 14:07:29 +0000

I just started eating pussy and Im not a big fan of it. I have only done it 3 times. Will it ever get better?

Stu

Dear Stu,

Congratulations on finally putting that tongue on some vagine. And, yes! It does get better! Don’t worry, man. I know that right now, it probably feel like you’re sticking your face in a pile of oysters in the nook of a soft leather couch but, trust me. It’ll start feeling and tasting so good to your mouth, you’ll be biting your bottom lip to the very thought of munching on that fleshy flower.

Most of us humans have a oral fixation, anyway. That’s why we kiss each other. It’s not just a deliberate act to show affection on another person by pressing lips. It’s also because it’s in our chemistry to put our mouths on stuff. Now, depending on the composition and, possibly, elements of that chemistry (Dayum. Look at ol’ Caramel Jones put that muh’fuckin’ science on you, boy!), your mouth is desiring to exclusively expel the tongue out on to a delectable female quarry or take something big and hard in to your tonsils. So, yeah. You may not like it now but you’ll be loving it so much, you’d want her to sit on your face with that catcher’s mitt.

Just keep this in mind, playa. The first few licks will be a little bitter, salty, sour, or what have you. The pussy has its own unique scent, almost like you’re at the pier with your nasty thoughts. If that don’t get you in under 30 seconds, take time to admire how soft and velvety that region of her body is. Shoot, by the time you’re over all of that, the extra drippage out of her clit will be nothing to you. So, yeah, bruh. It’ll get much, much better. If it doesn’t, just shut the fuck up and go down on her, anyway. You won’t be down there for that long. Man up and lick that fucking pussy!

Sincerely,

Caramel Jones

Got a question for Caramel Jones? Just leave that muh’fuckuh in the comment section! But, don’t ask anything unless yo ass is ready for the answer!

Sitting Totally Crossed Out

ALM — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 15:31:18 +0000

They looked cool until they crossed their legs.

Hello, Quacks. That’s right. I just bestowed upon our faithful readers a nickname that I just came up with on the spot while freestyling this post. Hey, it’s better than Awesome Duckers. I think. Anyway, here’s what I never understood: MEN CROSSING THEIR LEGS WHEN SITTING. My use of bold AND caps emphasizes how much shit gets real on the topic.

I mean, seriously. I just don’t get it. Now, there are two variations of the crossed posting of male legs that are common that do not include crossing ankles. 1) Putting the foot of one leg over the knee of the other one and 2) placing the back of the knee over the other knee, A.K.A. “how women do it.”

HURTS.

Now, the first one, I’m used to seeing diplomats and other bosses do because you can totally imagine Abraham Lincoln in his Memorial doing it when no one is looking. But, here I am not feeling any desire to position my legs like that, anymore. That’s because every time I used to do it, I felt like I had to inject some WD-40 in the knee of the leg that’s lifted. While my leg returns to it’s natural uncrossed position, it sounds like bubblewrap on the way down. One of these days, when I’m too old to care anymore, I’m just going to do that one last time to see if my kneecap shoots off and breaks a lamp. It seriously feels like I’m doing a Figure-4 leg lock on myself.

Yes, you look like a Bee Gee, sitting like this.

Now, the second one. Oh, the second one. I’m used to seeing this position EVERYWHERE, especially on late night talk shows. You rarely see a male celebrity guest not sit like that. First of all, it’s how women sit. That’s just how they sit after being told for centuries upon centuries that sitting any other way makes them look like whores. It’s pretty much ingrained in their DNA. Now, what’s the man’s excuse for this? Comfort? I beg to differ. Just looking at basic human anatomy, it can be easily be seen that, due to their wider hips and the femurs inward slanted alignment to the knees, women have all the room to allow ~~me to fit in between~~ themselves the ability to sit with no problem in this manner. Men, on the other hand, have narrow hips and a straight femur alignment to their knees thus making this position much more difficult to achieve. Simply put, my size 32 model beltline and gloriously meaty thighs makes the motion of crossing my legs a natural danger to muh bawls. I mean, my testicles feel like they’re in the clutches of a grappler wearing hockey gloves, trying to use Chinese therapy balls. Fuck that shit. I’m slouching on that couch, homie. Even seeing you cross your legs, makes me hurt. So, STOP DOING IT!!!

Oh, the pain!!!

All I Do Is Observe

ALM — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 15:40:52 +0000

I just don’t see how that skinny piece of metal can withstand pounding against solid blocks of ice and stay sharp enough for further use. I mean, sure, I haven’t actually held one before. But, that’s because I don’t go around stabbing people in their eyes or between their ribs. Seriously. You couldn’t just buy bags of crushed or cubed ice? What are you doing with blocks of ice, anyway? Do you like to build igloos as a hobby or something? When it comes to the action of chipping at ice, a flathead screwdriver would more than do the trick. You know, the kind that sports a sturdier neck than that metal toothpick someone years past somehow convinced people that what he was holding at the time wasn’t a murder tool but an “ice pick?” Please. That’s as ridiculous as calling that bayonet on your desk a “letter opener.” Simply put: if you own an ice pick, I’m assuming that you take extreme joy out of perforating humans.