US

Well, this guy gets his day in court.

After reading that last article, may want to debate this.

RODNEY KING! RODNEY KING!

I’ve never smoked and never lived in Santa Monica so I’ve never cared about these laws.

International

God this world is depressing.

Sports

Yes, we should punish the team for having a coach that molested children… that makes sense.

When was the last time this guy won something?

Whew, I was worried about losing to Argentina, the world leader in basketball prowess.

Honestly, it took so long because he was a cub. They had to induct all the good players first.

Entertainment

I think it’ll make its money back at this rate.

Cause the Joker totally had red hair.

Pee Wee did it first.

Technology

So, i’d need a new charger and I’d have to put my phone in my pocket upside down to use my headphones. Thanks Apple.

Because nobody has used online verification before. They must have stolen it.

Buy your guns online!

Step one, buy surge protector. Step two figure out how to get into the FBI.

The Sun or the Moon?

The Moon!

Allow me to state my case with 20 reasons:

1. We can stare at the Moon as long as we’d like. As long as it’s out. Try to do that with the Sun.

2. We’ve already been there. “We” as in “Man.” Us. We’re already familiar with it. You ever been to a foreign country where they don’t speak your language with people who also have no idea what they’re getting into? It’s not fun. It’s scary. Very scary.

3. Since we’ve been there already, we can pretty much say that there isn’t anything sinister in plain sight that would be an immediate threat to us, whether we are on the surface or not. The Sun is probably FILLED with organisms that can tolerate its seemingly inhabitable environment. A hundred years ago, we thought fish couldn’t survive past the point where light couldn’t penetrate the ocean. WE WERE PROVEN WRONG. Have you seen those fuckers? Scary. Very scary.

4. Marvin the Martian wanted to blow up the Earth with his 2-36 Explosive Space Modulator…just to observe the Moon. The Moon is so awesome, according to him, it was worth killing 6 billion people. The Sun doesn’t have that much of a draw.

5. Why didn’t Marvin the Martian choose to observe the Sun, instead? Look back at point #1.

6. The best 8-bit song for any 8-bit game is The Moon level song on Ducktales on NES. Hell, it’s probably the best video game song ever orchestrated.

7. The Sun flares up, probably because it gets all pissy out of jealousy for all the attention the Moon gets.

8. Musically, the Moon serves as better inspiration. Listening to “Dancing In The Moonlight” by King Harvest is like imagining the Virgin Mary looking into your eyes and telling you to be her first, and she happens to look exactly like Sofia Vergara. Sheryl Crow and Smashmouth have songs that refer to the Sun. It’s probably responsible for at least one song on every NOW album. Pass.

9. The cow jumped over the Moon. E.T. telekinetically made it possible for a boy to pedal in front of it in one of the most memorable scenes in film. Imagine the Sun being in place for both scenarios. Look back at point #1.

10. If you like vampires, then you obviously like the mystique about them being “children of the night” and some shit. That right there should make you a fan of the Moon since they can only go out at night. The Twilight saga made an attempt to persuade people by saying “hey, guys, the Sun’s not so bad. Look, it makes vampires sparkle! Ooooooooh.” Wow. Way to gay up something that was already gay enough, Stephanie Meyer.

11. If you like werewolves, a full Moon makes them emerge from their host. Again. Suck it, Twilight.

12. I keep on reverting back to point #1. That’s because not being able to see shit, out of pain to the retinas, for example, is really fucking annoying. Think of all the traffic accidents that are caused because a person couldn’t let down their sun visors in time. I can imagine the only times people would crash their cars because of the Moon is because it can be look so goddamned romantic, the crash is caused by swerving off the road due to receiving oral.

13. If you’re a surfer, you give way too much credit to the Sun, going all “yeah, brah” about it because that’s what typically goes with the word, “surf.” Sun and surf. Well, tides are caused by the gravitational pull of the Moon. Hey, check this out. I have a personal message to you surfers from the Moon itself! It reads: “You’re welcome, surfers.”

14. The Sun can give you cancer. The Moon cannot. Nor, would it want to.

15. The term “The Sunwalk” doesn’t sound as cool, now does it? MJ knew EXACTLY what he was doing when he came up with that. He wanted to mimic the effect of walking without gravity. Could you imagine a Sunwalk? It probably would just involve you diving into a massive bonfire. Ch’mon on that.

16. Another cinematic moment involving the Moon: would you “awwww” just as hard when Lady and the Tramp are slurping spaghetti in a sunlit alley with the Sun further permeating the air with hot garbage? Not as romantic, is it? What of the song, “Bella Notte?”

17. Sun-dried tomatoes are just nasty.

18. Sunglasses may look cool but they also can give one the impression you’re just being (or trying to be) a dick. No headgear of any kind is required to be under the Moon. If you wear sunglasses at night, I can’t help you. You’re a certified dick.

19. The Empire thought it would be easier to sneak up on doomed planets, disguised as a Moon with the Death Star. That makes it look more EPIC. Imagine if they thought modeling the Death Star after an actual star, like the Sun, was a good idea. It would look like a giant Disco/New Year’s Ball of Doom. Instead of trembling in fear out of realization of their impending obliteration, the inhabitants of a doomed planet would feel the euphoria of laughing their asses off before being blasted out of existence. Also, it would be immensely uneconomical to fuel the planet-sized lightshow. Eventually, it wouldn’t be equipped with lasers strong enough to destroy planets, and the inhabitants would still be laughing their asses off. Probably to death. Problem solved?

20. There’s a dark side to the Moon. That makes it that much more intriguing and chicks dig that shit. The Sun? It’s too “Hey! Look at me!” even though you really can’t. Again. Look back to point #1.

She looks and sounds like the daughter of Herman Munster. I know Bryan Fuller was rebooting the show, but this is not what I expected.

International
Maybe if he gets it in, he won’t be as much of a dick as his father.
Here in America, we do the autopsy before burial to avoid this step.

sports
Good luck Lance. We all know you didn’t do steroids. Chuck Norris gave you his third testicle to help you win the tour.
Sorry Boston, after 16 years (that’s 32 in basketball years) the man just wants to win a championship.

Entertainment
Biebs, remember how well evading the paparazzi helped Princess Diana.
I would totally watch this. Despite how I feel about the games.
Usher don’t do it. Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.
This isn’t news. Pretty sure he’s been dead for like 20 years and nobody noticed.

Technology
Cause Apple won’t fight Microsoft.
Ouch. I guess a win’s a win though right?
Who cares, it was marketed to Russians.
If you’re reading this, don’t worry about it.

Alexander the Great was gay. And, black.

Amelia Earhart still lives in the Bermuda Triangle. In a pineapple under the sea.

Stonehenge was actually a Stargate.

Ayers Rock is Stone Mountain’s big cousin.

George Washington didn’t have wooden teeth. He had uh-uh-grill-uh-uh-uh-grill.

Atlantis was actually located in the Pacific Ocean. WTF?

The Statue of Liberty was actually RE-gifted from France. It was first given to them by the Moroccans. Low, France. Low.

Contrary to popular belief, Wilt Chamberlain only slept with 19,500 women. What a liar.

Leif Ericson was the first to coin the phrase, “If you ain’t first, you’re last!”

The Great Pyramids were built by Q-Bert.

“Why it gotta be black?” – Chaka Zulu, about the Black Plague.

The Egyptians totally didn’t walk like that.

8. Rage comics:
All the sites i frequent use the rage faces from time to time. Whether it be Forever Alone or the Troll Face. I see them so often it would have been impossible for me to leave them off this list.

7. Philosoraptor:
The only thing that can make me give a shit about philosophy.

6. Antoine Dodson:
Loved the video when it came out. Loved it more once the schmoyoho gang got a hold of it. I could fill a top 8 with their Auto Tune stuff alone.

5. Leeroy Jenkins:

When it came out, my friend Sean and I played us a lot of WoW. He still does. We both understand the pain of playing with a guy like Leeroy.

4. Shoop Da Whoop:

ALM and I have loved this meme since we first saw this.

It’s old and not many people may remember it, but it holds a special place in my heart, so it gets number 4.

3. Lolcats:
I’m a bit ashamed of this. But I know everybody has spent more than their fair share of time on Lolcats.

2. Honey badger:
Who can watch this video and not want a Honey Badger

1. Chuck Norris facts:
Chuck called me up and told me if he wasn’t number 1 he would kill my whole family. While sleeping.

Happy Birthday America! Fuck Yeah!

US

It wouldn’t be Independence Day without someone blowing up their house with fireworks.

Time to stop selling incendiary rounds for target practice.

This is exactly why I avoid flying like the plague.

Nothing says I’m sorry, like saying… well, like saying “I’m Sorry.”

International

A cold war with these guys is much scarier than with Russia. At least we can bribe Russians with Vodka and Hookers.

Does this mean we can stop worrying about the Supercollider Apocalypse?

Syria has an Observatory for Human Rights?

Wait, didn’t you just tell me Syria had an Observatory for Human Rights?

Sports

I don’t think she meant she wanted to get married Chad. You’re acting a little creepy.

NY would have to be Linsane to get rid of Jeremy. Are we still doing the Lin puns?

Hope those bounties were worth it guys.

Entertainment

Another one of Ron Howard’s fathers is dead.

The Notebook showed him that pissing on people isn’t a symbol of undying love.

Ooh adult fiction, I bet there’s BDSM that’s what everybody is reading these days.

During Signs, he made a pact with Joaquin Phoenix to pretend to be crazy for a while. Nobody told him that it was ok to act sane again.

It’s a thriller about a broken man who’s wife leaves him after he becomes wrapped up in a religious cult.

Technology

Based on our inside sources, Xbox 8 is a retro 8-bit system to give the NES a run for it’s money.

The Dread Pirate Roberts is my pirate hero.

I don’t care how awesome the screen it, the hardware is not worth price of a gaming rig.

Nokia, you’re insignificant and nobody buys your phones anymore. Just accept it and die with dignity.

Competition is not supposed to work that way.

Samsung is so butt hurt by Apple it’s not even funny… just kidding, yes it is.

Hey Caramel,

How do I stop this crazy bitch from stalkin me? Its actually startin to scared me, cuz. Man, I wish i never fucked the hoe. It was only one time. Help me out, man.

C.I.

Aw, shit. Oh, yeah. This is too familiar to Caramel, homie. We’ve all been there. I’ve been there multiple times. I mean, damn. I can’t help that the bitches want to take my billy club and brutalize themselves with it. Against my will. I mean, I can’t even imagine what goes through their mind every time they see two spheres placed closed together. Believe me, mane. I was repeatedly a potential rape victim to these hoes.

Caramel Jones

Don't worry Suri, Batman will save you. He was friends with your mom until she turned into another actress.

US
No rocket explosion, no being sucked out an airlock, no fearlessly defending against martian invaders… lamest astronaut death ever.

I’m voting Romney, think of all the fetus technology he’ll promote as president. I can’t wait for a fetus hover car.

Jaws would be ashamed of shark protection legislation.

Stupid hipsters and their shoddy housing.

International

Neo Nazis in Germany? Who would have expected him to see that one coming.

The Kim family in Korea add new meaning to the term nuclear family.

Sports

Coming soon to a Brooklyn near you.

His name is not nearly as cool.

Entertainment
Chester said Ted was disappointing.

And Millions of Gay men, just cried out in joy.

Seriously, what kind of name is Hilaria?

In this “Breaking Bad” news, Dish Network turns it’s clients into “Mad Men”.

(I apologize for the previous line. I am usually shameless, but even I’m embarrassed by that joke.)

Technology
It can’t be any worse than IE for smartphones.

That’s why i use gmail.

Don’t take it personally Samsung, Apple just hates Google.

We're gonna eat OKC.

US

Jerry, these things happen when you hang out with Chester Cheetah. You shoulda known he’d pin it on you.

People wonder why Obama can’t get anything acomplished as POTUS.

Please tell me they paid in singles!

International

Syria and Turkey don’t like eachother… what is it with this section of the planet.

Yet another reason to NEVER go to Africa.

YAY! Positive international news and it’s really lame.

Sports

Awww, poor baby.

Competition sucks. Stop letting the best players compete.

Entertainment

I heard this was pretty good. These would be better.
I heard this was pretty bad, but still better than Cars.

Even Jason Bourne is intimidated by Batman.

Technology

So, Facebook won’t use my data in advertisements.

But you just said you wouldn’t use my data in advertisments..