Awesome Duck

First of all, you will need to know the difference between getting a girl’s attention and gaining her affection. Getting her attention (or anyone else’s, for that matter) can take just wearing a green man suit to the cafeteria while holding sparklers while riding a pink skateboard to the song, “Power of Love.” But, I’m guessing you’re not the type to do anything for a laugh or a smile. If you were, you would just be another casual reader of Awesome Duck. But, anyway, here’s how to gain some affection.

You can try creating some kind of buzz about yourself and increasing your popularity stock in your school. If you’re athletic (and I’m guessing you’re not, with a name like Milhouse) then join some kind of team. A real sports team. No chick will notice you playing tennis or golf. If you’re a jerk (again, not a Milhouse kind of thing), then just be yourself with that. It’s not that girls actually like jerks, they’re just attracted to them. So, here’s the deal. If you’re not an asshole or jock, it’s gonna be hard to get that girl’s attention. Also, you didn’t disclose what kind of girl she is. Is she in the school band? Is she a goth chick? Is she a nerd? Artsy? Or, is she just a popular bitch?

So, since you don’t seem like the type that would get anything JUST being himself, I’d say just go with the direct and heavy approach. “Lay your nuts on the table,” as they say in some parts. Now, if it were Caramel Jones, I would just literally lay my actual nuts on the real table she’s sitting at. It works every time. So, just take every fear and doubt that your bitch-ass may have at the moment of truth and bottle that shit up as rocket fuel and propel your-damn-self to her at her locker and lay out all the details about who you is, muh’fuckuh. Straight up don’t give a frying shit about who’s around her and how late you’re gonna be for the next class. Shit, run up to her like, “Look here. We need to talk.” If she reacts, you’ve just jumped the first hurdle: getting her attention.

If she says something, cut her off. Trust me on this. JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Cut her off and be like, “Listen, (calling her something on the lines of ‘hoe’ or something similar is optional yet not recommended) this is how it is.” But, don’t let yourself get entirely caught up by the heat of the moment. Reserve that shit for later. If she has to go, let her but reiterate that you’ve got something for her. With that, there will be no way in HELL she won’t be thinking about you and the ballsy approach to getting what you want. It’ll flatter her and, yeah, she may think you’re crazy but, fuck it. Crazy is better than mundane. You’ll no longer be mundane-ass Milhouse. As a matter of fact, your name would sound ironic to her with how in-your-face you are, sorta like how a big dude can be called “Tiny” in prison and shit.

But, don’t get too happy yet. I would say wait a little bit and delay actually talking to her for awhile after that. Kinda ignore HER and let it marinate and I bet she’ll be imagining how your cock will taste like. Show no weakness! Make her want YOU! So, there goes the second achievement being unlocked: gaining her affection. Just make sure your follow-up is in the same trajectory as the first shot. Just keep finding ways to wow her and she’ll be yours forever. Unless you get tired of the bitch and move the fuck on.

That’s my advice, homeskillet. Everything that you want is just outside your comfort zone. Remember that shit and you’ll be good for life. Get that hoe, mane.

Sincerely,