Holy shit, it is a bad as everyone says it is. The meeting about installing these new changes must’ve went like this:
Young, impressionable executive: “Mr. Zuckerman. Have you heard that Google+ just went live yesterday?
Zuckerman: “Google what? Nah, I was too busy swimming in my money bin and literally making it rain with this top-secret weather-altering device that I bribed from a higher-up at Lockheed. What’s up?”
YIE: “Well, this thing isn’t Myspace. It doesn’t take about 5 minutes for someone’s profile to load and it’s, well, Google. This could be a worthy adversary.”
Z: “Ah, yeah. I’ve heard that company is actually run by machines. How can we compete with that?! Ideas! On the table! Now!”
YIE: “Well, our ideas aren’t so great but it’s enough to shake things up. Our analysis has shown that people tend to get too bored with things that are comfortable and familiar. We can’t afford to have things being too easy for our users. They may start calling us ‘outdated’ and ‘retarded.’”
Z: “Yeah, people are mean. That’s why I’m an asshole. I learn on people’s bullshit. So, um. Let’s keep that annoying sidebar and, um, make it more annoying and noticeable.”
YIE: “Like a very active and constant news ticker that shows things that people don’t care about at all?”
Z: “Exactly. Make it to where it’s so dominant, the actual News Feed is affected. Oh, and make the News Feed less crowded by only having just a few status updates appear periods at a time.”
YIE: “But, sir…”
Z: “Sure, people may miss some actual important shit from their most cherished friends but, fuck it. They need bigger circles, anyway. Oh, let’s have something to denote that that annoying thing they aren’t so wild about is something they should definitely read.”
YIE: “Like, something on the corner of a status?”
Z: “Yes! I’m glad I hired you. Don’t fuck up. But, that’s a great idea. Let’s make blue triangles and put them on the left side to counteract with the sidebar on the right. That way, no one escapes my wrath.”
YIE: “Excellent, sir.”
Z: “You know what? I’m not even that worried about Google+.”
YIE: “And, why is that, sir?”
Z: “Because people tend to have some kind of “battered women” syndrome. No matter how shitty things can be on our site, familiarity tends to set in and some kind of sick bond develops to where people cannot leave, no matter what. See? That’s why I’m a billionaire. I can play golf on Mars, if I wanted to. I ate endangered bald eagle eggs for breakfast this morning. Just like how I make people work for me, I make people work to get them to like my product more. So, um, make it to where people have to click on things more for what they really want to do to appear.”
YIE: “Like, how so?”
Z: “For one, don’t have the status bar in clear view anymore. Make people search for that shit. You know what? Let’s phase that thing out, eventually. People are talking shit about me. Oh, and let’s add more lists that people aren’t going to use.”
YIE: “Brilliant, sir. But, what about the ability to remove the sidebar?”
Z: “Make it to where if people try to be smart and hide the sidebar, the news ticker will be up and running and will not be able to be removed.”
YIE: “How about this, sir? How about we let people subscribe to posts like they do on Twitter? We could possibly kill both Twitter and Google+ with that one.”
Z: “Yeah, yeah. That’s awesome! People are always talking about how our site violates privacy and all of that. As long as you know that people in general are narcissistic by nature, you can use that and put your hooks into them. I know that because I’m not a narcissist at all. I’m Mark fucking Zuckerburg!”
YIE: “Yes, sir, you are! Anything else?”
Z: “Yes. You’re fired. Thanks for the ideas. Go ahead and try to sue me. You won’t win. Haven’t you seen The Social Network? Get the fuck out of my office-castle.”
