Wrong photo. Fuck it. Rollin' with it.
So, the NBA All-Star Game just passed and I’m a whole day late with the coverage. There are pictures of the events. You’ve probably seen them. Everyone wore ugly-ass shoes and socks. Blake Griffin jumped over a Kia Optima to dunk basketball. I mean, so what? Kobe jumped over a speeding Aston Martin. JaVale McGee dunked in 3 basketballs. Who cares? Chuck Norris dunked in 5 basketballs. While in orbit. Okay, I made up the last part. Then again, since there is nothing new under the Sun, it probably actually happened.
More recap: The Celebrity Game. Yep. Michael Rappaport played. He always plays. Justin Bieber won the MVP despite his team losing, Scottie Pippen blocking his shot, and being Justin Bieber. Why? Does he have a terminal illness?
The Skills Challenge. Stephen Curry won. No one really tried. Any obstacle course that doesn’t involve barbed wire, walls aflame and a thirty-foot drop should not be televised (unless it’s Ninja Warrior, of course).
the Rookies beat the Sophomores because it turns out the Sophomores entered the draft just in time to get drafted at all. Nah, they were cool. Did you know that Dajuan Blair has no ACLs in his knees? Not even bionic replacements? Well, it turns out that the human body doesn’t really need them, apparently. He pretty much makes anyone not playing because of any knee ailment some pussy-ass bitches. I nominate him for the Hall of Manliness, if such a thing actually exists. John Wall dropped 22 dimes. That’s, like, $2.20. There were so many dunks, it got boring.
The Shooting Stars competition was a waste of minutes I could have allotted towards lighting candles and getting the lotion and tissues ready for Rihanna’s All-Star halftime performance. Some team won. I forgot which one.
The Three-Point Shootout. Only 6 shots made, Kevin Durant? Never again, Kevin. Never again. James Jones of the Miami Heat beat out 2 Boston Celtics. Either way, I would have lost.
The Slam Dunk Competition. DeMar Derozan had the best dunk of the night. And, it didn’t include props. It was just a bounce off of the floor, catching it with just his right hand, and ending the dunk with a scoop-motion windmill dunk. Smooth, fluid, brilliant. Serge Ibaka caught a plush Thunder mascot with his mouth while dunking. Ferocious. This ginger kid named Blake won. I’m surprised.
The All-Star Game. All of a sudden, Kobe was 25 again. LeBron messed around and got a triple-double despite everyone in the building hating him. The Celtics all-stars entered the game simultaneously and got booed by the L.A. crowd. Total WIN. The court was ugly as hell but pimps would’ve loved the wood-grain finish. Next year, the Black Super Bowl will be in Orlando.
Oh, by the way, Carmelo Anthony got traded to the Knicks. It would’ve been funny had he got traded during the All-Star game. How would that had worked?
Knick Hawk…at the buzzer!
