Caramel Jones isn’t for the chil’ren. Caramel Jones tells it like it is. Caramel Jones may be NSFW. Caramel Jones implores you to remember that what has been read cannot be un-read. Caramel Jones digs disclaimers.
Dear Caramel Jones,
How do I put aside my nice-guy tendencies to…fuck bitches?
Dear Justin Hoffman,
Nice guys DO finish last but I guess I don’t have to tell you that. To tell the truth, I wasn’t born with this name. Yes, there was a time when I wasn’t Caramel Jones. In fact, I was once a nice guy just like you. Now, I fuck and please bitches. Trust me. I’m not trying to degrade women at all. That’s why I pretty much only deal with bitches. There’s a difference.
You see, inside every man is a feminist waiting to come out of them like an Alien chestbuster to protest all and everything that is unjust to all and everything that is women and women-related and grow armpit hair and listen to Ani DiFranco. More of us feel that part of ourselves more than others, sometimes to a fault. I was one of those guys that thought that treating every women with respect is the way to their hearts. I thought about how I would want a guy to treat my daughter and I followed with that logic to be what women truly wanted. I did that until I realized how much I was wrong in my ways. I realized that in order to even have a daughter, I would have to be Caramel Jones.
Who is Caramel Jones? Caramel Jones is the accumulation of all of my frustrations that ensued from bitches turning me down left and right like a handshake from a leper. Point blank: Women, in general (I know some of you ladies who read this will say “Not ALL women feel that way. Some of you don’t grasp the idea of generalization. Fuck you), like to be treated like shit. Not to say that they don’t like being treated kindly. Most of them live for the ray of sunshine that poke through a circling dark cloud. They understand that what makes men men are our instinctive, assholish nature. Let me correct myself here. It’s not that they “like” it, they’re “attracted” to it.
I hope I cleared up the stuff that your father (or mother) should have already taught you. Now, what you need to do is separate the women from the bitches. See, bitches do not require your respect, nor do they call for it. Women do. Women don’t usually come around until around age 24 (down South) to 29 (NYC and similar areas) they tend to want to live out their bitchy, dirty fantasies with the closest asshole(s) they can find. Nice guys are not on their radar because nice guys are unable to perform the duties that bitches want and need, mainly because they’re boring. As if life isn’t shitty enough before they reach adulthood, bitches need to be taught that what they really want at the time is bullshit. You see, most girls start out as bitches but out of that number, most of them graduate to become women.
Bitches pretty much validate our reasons for being assholes. Use that! See, what I’m doing here is pumping bullet points into your noggin as to why you should just fuck bitches. Women are what you aspire to marry and have children and a life with. Women are the most beautiful things in the world. They’re the butterflies while bitches are the larvae stage. A bitch needs to be broken down (just to note, I’m not advocating or condoning domestic violence of any kind. You fucking bitch. You probably thought I was. Fuck you.) to appreciate the nice guys later on. Your time for romance and all that shit ain’t right for you right now. As much of a nice guy you are, you have to realize that the world won’t be kind to you until you’re about 30. I’m assuming that you’re way under that age because of your question. People over 30 already know that shit because they were already fucked over by the bitch ways of bitches. In a sense, they’re also training you to appreciate it when a real good woman finally steps into your life.
So, until then, fuck a bitch or two. Or three. Fuck it. Don’t keep count. Gain experience points. Thanks for the question.