Awesome Duck

There are scientists out there that are trying to make sure that everyone accepts reclassification of dolphins as “non-human persons.” Well, good luck with that in Japan. But, seriously. I agree with them.

Dolphins are smarter than at least half of you reading this. They can recognize themselves in the mirror, unlike this guy. They feel emotions enough to kill themselves by beaching, if very depressed, or as a collective. They can have casual sex. If you didn’t know that, let me inform you that you’ve read that right. Dolphins can look at another dolphin and think, “Dayum…look at the dorsal fin and underbelly on that one,” and hook up with that other dolphin and don’t care who and what is watching. For pleasure. Whores.

There is an undeniable bond between dolphins and humans. There are stories of a shark ready to chomp down on a poor human but is interrupted by nose punches to the gills by a pod of dolphins. Recognizing danger to another species involves intelligence and genuine compassion towards a member of that species. People who swim with the dolphins can personally understand the affection exerted by their friends in the deep. Some more than others. Unwillingly. The casual sex part. Yeah.

So, how and why is it that dolphins are so intelligent and compassionate, more so than any other animal? Easy. BECAUSE THEY ARE ALIENS!!! Well, they have extraterrestrial origins, rather. Here’s the story:

Dolphins were inhabitants of a highly advanced civilization on a planet similar to ours, thousands of light-years away. Their home became a war-torn hellhole due to worldwide warfare that eventually became so bad, the Dolphin people evacuated in their ships towards Mars. As they were approaching the then-lush planet of Mars, they were engaged by their enemies from their old planet, intent on killing them off.

The epic space-battle took place between Jupiter and Mars and left plenty of carnage that is still observable with our telescopes. Both Jupiter and Mars lost a few moons–creating the asteroid field– and Mars itself was irreversibly devastated by more than a dozen misfired nuclear warheads. As the Dolphins landed the death blow on their would-be destroyers, the aftershock of the impact sent their entire fleet recoiling out of Mars’ gravitational pull and towards the direction of the planet us Earthlings call home. Unfortunately, Pangea was outside of their trajectory and on the other side of the world at the time.

The Dolphins used their damaged fleet as floating islands for their new civilization and utilized Earth’s natural underwater food source to sustain themselves. They took more and more to the water for their way of life until their bodies eventually evolved to the form of the porpoise-like non-human persons that they are today.

The bond between them and us is there because we remind them of themselves millions of years ago on their original planet. They see our flaws and know, deep-down inside, that our time on this world is limited. But, they also see our strengths and the beauty that we are capable of. That is why their smiles are ever-present.

Tags: aliens, dolphaaaan, dolphin punch!, dolphins, ecco, eheheheheheheh, flipper, sega, sexy, so long and thanks for all the fish, surprise dolphin rape, they know exactly what you're saying, yes they are aliens