We are heading into the time of year where the weather is suitable enough for football players to try to run over each other without the danger of succumbing to a heatstroke without drinking some kind of ‘ade. Well, that’s what I thought. Silly me. Here I was thinking that the temperature actually gets cooler as the calendar approaches September. It was excited about the prospect of being able to artificially moisturize my body with soothing chemicals that Vaseline puts in their lotion that is formulated specifically for men. The shit smells good, okay?
Well, I had to delay that practice even further because my skin does not need the moisturization when it’s hot as balls everywhere. You know what keeps my skin moist? Sweat. Manly, annoying, ever-present-as-a-reminder-that-I’m-better-off-on-a-fishing-boat-near-Alaska-during-the-summer-months sweat. The glands work overtime while the pores cannot seem to enjoy the air. That, my friends, is a perfect storm for plain ol’ nastiness that even Caramel Jones would not tolerate. A physical example would be to take a sponge, throw it in soapy water (to simulate sliminess), and put it in a Zip-Loc bag. Without taking a shower, that is what your skin is, with the pores storing sweat with the dirt that surrounds you. So, why in the hell would you like hot weather if that is how we usually are?
If you don’t know by now, this author lives in New York City. 9 months out of the year, it’s the greatest place on Earth. The other 3, from June, July, and August, gives you a little more leniency in judging why people do the evil things that they do. Hell is hot (so, I’ve heard). The Devil is pissed because God threw him down there. We get influenced by the bastard because he’s miserable while fishing in the lake of fire. If God would’ve thrown Lucifer into a similar setting that were reversed, we’d probably just keep thinking evil thought but be reluctant to move, since the Devil would be too cold in Hell to do shit himself. By the way, if you got that analogy, you did better than I did. I’m just typing shit because this fan blowing in my face feels good for once.
So, yeah. I was wearing a thermal last week. Only Dexter the serial killer could pull that off during this current heat wave. Well, at least he killed people to vent. I just need to cool down. Literally.
