You know what I miss? Rhonda Shear and her epic melons and the program she hosted every Friday night on USA, the channel. USA’s Up All Night! Allow me to clarify this to the kids who were born in the nineties. It’s not that I have anything against you. I just hate y’all. That’s all. USA’s Up All Night! was a program that featured a pretty, buxom blonde entertaining the viewer in between breaks from movies that started at 10 or 11 pm, I think and lived up to its title. It wasn’t so much a show but a feature that encompassed the features, which were usually lame B-movies that were totally awesome to the max (90s slang). That was the thing. The movies were so horrible, they were brilliant. There wouldn’t have been any other way I would have The Toxic Avenger (and the 2nd and 3rd) seared into my memory to this day.
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes wasn’t just a dumb Saturday morning cartoon, it was a movie that rocked my world. Here was my old set-up as a 10 year-old watching movies that were probably too risqué for me to be watching:
My bed was at one corner of my room. My long six-drawer dresser (it was three-drawers high) was placed next to the head of my bed, aligned against the corresponding wall. On top of my dresser closest to the bed was my old-school, double-knobbed TV. It only had 13 channels on the top channel knob. No remote. On top of my TV was a cable box that had a slider to switch channels from 2 to, like, 50. I forgot. I can probably tack blame on USA’s Up All Night! as the main reason I wear corrective lenses right now. But, Rhonda Shear was worth it.
Ah, I remember the Friday nights I curled up in my bed and kept my hand somewhere close to the cable box to switch channels as soon as my parents were nearby. They had no idea I was watching a less scary, ditsy and equally hot version of Elvira. I could tell Ms. Shear was a little older, even at the time. But I didn’t care. Shawty was thick. I could barely look up from the bottom of the screen, most of the time. She was greatness all in herself, just hosting while wearing something slutty yet nothing too revealing to retain the class she had.
I’m just going to run down a few movie titles that were memorable, even if I get them wrong. Ski School. The Bikini Car Wash Company. Witch Academy. 976-EVIL. Critters. Some movie about a whole bus of cheerleaders getting kidnapped and them escaping without their panties. Surf Nazis Must Die. Cameron’s Closet (which freaked me the fuck out). Porky’s. Meatballs. Class of Nuke ‘Em High. And, every Friday the 13th, the Friday the 13th marathon would run through starting at around 8 and Rhonda would chime in at her usual time to make sure her little fans got their boners for the night. EPIC programming.
See, USA’s UP! All Night (that’s the way she said it. She punctuated the “Up” with a high-pitched tone and an upward chest thrust) was Maxim before Maxim, in a sense. You had a hot yet respectable piece of ass as a host and terrible movies that would save themselves with senseless violence and gratuitous displays of skin this side of Cinemax. So, pretty much, girls and awesome and no substance. Something deep inside myself tells me that I need to own the movies I’ve watched on there. Something else tells me that I should start a serious letter-writing campaign (or something!) to revive its good name. I mean, seriously. What else is good on Fridays nowadays? After the legendary TGIF lineup on ABC, it was straight to USA to see my favorite girl at the time. My childhood was better yours, 90s kids. That’s because the next night, I had SNICK to watch. Oh, and Disney Afternoon on the weekdays. Seriously, what is wrong with you kids? That is another post for another day. This one is dedicated to the lovely Ms. Shear.
I love you, Rhonda!