There are a few things I miss from the South. Waffle House, Krystal, and Mountain Dew. So, yeah. They’re all food-related. Since Waffle House and Krystal are strictly Southern things, I don’t and won’t expect a branch of either to be extended to the North. But, Mountain Dew (or is it MTN Dew now?) should be served EVERYWHERE.I don’t get it. Every time I need a can of the sweet stuff, it seems to be at the one bodega that is the most inconvenient to walk to. That’s another thing. If I wanted a CAN of it, I wish myself fuckin’ good luck. That shit is more rare than a girl who doesn’t like getting treated like trash by her boyfriend. The bottles of it are in the bodegas of not your choosing. But, it’s in a can where The Nectar (that’s what I called it when my addiction to it was at its highest. It be calling me.) is at its most purest. The sweat of the gods.
So, what’s up with this slightly unintentional ban on my favorite drank? Too redneck for you, New York? Are you afraid that upon consuming the beverage, a sudden yearning to tune in to NASCAR will arise in you? After drinking it, are you afraid that you’ll start looking at your cousins in a way that is frowned upon? Will country music all of a sudden appear in your iTunes playlist after going through a 20-ouncer? Are you disturbed by the mere thought of suggesting that a Silverado is your new dream car after sipping on that carbonated anti-freeze? Will you fall victim to spastic salutes to the Confederate flag whenever you see it? Are you going to wake up to a fishhook attached to your fitted Yankees cap?
Or, maybe it’s too extreme for you. All of the Mountain Dew commercials suggest that only people who like to jump over houses and shit with skateboards drink The Nectar. Don’t worry. The X-Games aren’t in your future just because you do the Dew. I mean, yeah, it’s one of the requirements. But, you also need equipment and to practice…and stuff.
Pepsi, Co. is a New York-based company. Love the child that you birthed, New Yorkers. I know a lot of y’all think of us Southerners as inbred yokels that like to shoot at and eat anything that crawls around our trailers. But, it’s really your drink. We’ve just adopted it. You won’t become like us if you partake. I swear you won’t hear banjos right after you pull the tab forward and push back. And, you know it tastes good! So, enjoy it and suggest to your local bodega that it needs to carry it.
Hell, to keep you Yanks grounded, there is a reminder that you’re still in New York because its imprinted near the top of every soda can. What’s the deal with that, anyway? Is it supposed to be a souvenir piece for tourists? Or, is it something like a compass for y’all? “Holy shit, Vinnie (such a New York name)! We’re lost! Where are we?” Vinnie: “Hold on. Let me check a soda can real quick! Oh, good. It says “New York” on it. *Whew* We’re safe.” In the eternal words of Ed Lover: “C’mon, son!”
These are good too!
Reminds me of my days in Bermuda… spent six weeks on the island looking for Dr. Pepper and it wasn’t until week 4 that I finally got that yummy goodness back in my system. But not without a cost. While I did clear out the entire stock of that small fruit stand, I had a new crush… Pepsi?! I had never had my own Pepsi before. Why drink Pepsi, when you live in Atlanta, right? Well, now I gladly drink Coke and Pepsi, and in your honor, today I will do the Dew. But the Dr. is still my true love.
This is the dumbest shit I ever heard. I have a feeling you are a gay DB (Douchebag) and enjoy sucking dick. This website should be called Awesome Dick Suckers not the awesome duck. Your blog was a waste of time and effort. I hope the writer of it rots in hell. Burn alive motherfucker and be bleed out your dick. Make sure your sexual partner sucks it up then fucks you in the ass with a wooden spoon. If you have a pussy you little bitch I prey that you get fucked by a black bear and are forced to give birth to a headiest beast. As the fucker comes down the birth canal it claws and rips the fucking shit out of your pussy and leave his stamp by making your pussy lips looking like an Arby’s roast beef sandwich!
You are swimming in the deep end of my swimming pool now and you don’t even know how to swim. I am the lifeguard of this pool helping you in. Die mother fucker die, drown on my dick. Stick it between your lips, slide it down your throat, please choke on it, enjoy all of it, feel free to lick my sweaty balls as well and chew on my taint as I shit in your face!
I absolutely loved it…
THE MAD WRITOR!
Oh Billy,
Where should I begin. This is by far your worst essay to date.
“This is the dumbest shit I ever heard.”
While I appreciate the passion of the statement, I am disheartened by your poor grammar, The correct wording is I HAVE ever heard. While I have not made it a rule in my class, I would have accepted I’ve as well.
“I have a feeling you are a gay DB (Douchebag) and enjoy sucking dick.”
Improper usage of an acronym. Firstly, if you are never going to use the word Douchebag again in the paper, the shortening to DB is pointless. Secondly, DB would only be applicable if the word was douche bag. Thirdly, douche bag(two words Billy, not one) does not need to be capitalized.
“This website should be called Awesome Dick Suckers not the awesome duck.”
Once again we come across capitalization issues. We may need to discuss this further at a later junction. Minor typographical error as well, the site is titled Awesome Duck, not the awesome duck.
“Your blog was a waste of time and effort. I hope the writer of it rots in hell. Burn alive motherfucker and be bleed out your dick. Make sure your sexual partner sucks it up then fucks you in the ass with a wooden spoon.”
The first sentence, while it may be eventually proven true, is an opinion and should be qualified with I believe, or my findings show.
Also do not change from “Your” to “the writer”. It makes it seems as though you are suffering to two different people when you clearly intend it to be one.
“If you have a pussy you little bitch I prey that you get fucked by a black bear and are forced to give birth to a headiest beast. As the fucker comes down the birth canal it claws and rips the fucking shit out of your pussy and leave his stamp by making your pussy lips looking like an Arby’s roast beef sandwich!”
You didn’t do your research here did you Billy? I can plainly infer by the copyright information of the site, that ALM is Arthur Lee Murray. Since Arthur, a man’s name, would not have a pussy, this paragraph seems arbitrary. I know I placed a minimum word requirement on this assignment, but I did not intend for you to fill it with meaningless drivel. Also, what exactly is a headiest beast. Did you mean a headless beast? Or perhaps a hideous beast? Please proof-read your assignments before turning them in. I do like the comparison of the labia to a roast beef sandwich. Very good imagery there.
“You are swimming in the deep end of my swimming pool now and you don’t even know how to swim. I am the lifeguard of this pool helping you in. Die mother fucker die, drown on my dick. Stick it between your lips, slide it down your throat, please choke on it, enjoy all of it, feel free to lick my sweaty balls as well and chew on my taint as I shit in your face!”
Excellent start to the paragraph, but you lose focus in the second sentence. The lifeguard analogy simply does not work. If anything you should qualify that you are a lifeguard saving humanity from this post, not helping the poster die. While you may choke on a dick it is impossible to drown on a dick. a dick is not a liquid, we discussed this concept during our chemistry unit. sentence four is a run-on sentence. Also, using the imagery of an intense deep throat oral sex act, it seems rather unlikely for one to chew on another’s taint, and very unlikely that the receiver would be able to defecate into the face of the person performing the sex act. If you meant for these acts to be done post fellatio, you should have placed them in a second sentence and qualified that the oral sex had been completed, possibly by adding a sperm, or golden shower to the finale of the oral sex.
“I absolutely loved it…
THE MAD WRITOR”
We have discussed this before. Your name is William Faggot, and you should sign all your papers as such. I do not care how cool you think the nickname you created is, your papers should have the name we keep on file in this school. The end was also unnecessary as you wrote your name at the top of the paper. At the bare minimum Billy,if you would like to continue using your silly moniker, please remember that writer is spelled with an E not an O. I will not tolerate such blatant disregard for spelling.
I’m sorry billy, I really am, but this paper fails to meet the basic requirements for a passing grade. Please see me after school so we may address these issues in a more hands on setting. I have seen very little progress from you of late, and would hate to have your parents take time out of their busy schedules to discuss this matter.
Professor Daniel Burke
Profe Burke
Sorry my PC was acting up. The mad writor has a lot of hate in him. I was trying to say to Professor Daniel Burke you took it personal, didn’t you? I am ALM friend and am sure he is able to stand up for himself. but wow this was great. lol made me laugh.
Of course I took it personally. I am his teacher. Billy’s writing is such a travesty that the mere thought of him unleashing a verbal tirade is quite deplorable. I have discussed his behavior with some of my colleagues. We believe he systematically lashes out at others, because his surname is a point of much mockery amongst the other school boys. Though it is pronounced like Fa-goat, many of his classmates pronounce it like the derogatory homosexual term. This mockery has spawned within him a hatred that has spiraled out of control. Just today he told the school custodian that he hoped a shit monster jumped out of a toilet and raped his dumb ass so badly that he would puke shit for weeks. Suffice it to say that our custodian was quite angry and very shocked at young Billy’s behavior, but I digress. In an effort to hide his shame and assault those around him, he hides behind this MAD WRITOR persona. While I initially thought he had simply misspelled the word writer, it seems he actually meant it pronounced like a super hero, pronounce Write-or. Never the less, his butchery of the English Language is an affront to all who read it. I can not sit idly by as he slaughters the words I have long studied. While I have no doubt that Mr. ALM has the ability to stand up for himself, it is my civic duty to chastise these pathetic, passive aggressive attempts at manhood that Billy transcribes.
jayboson,
I am glad you can find humor in a situation that seems so utterly devoid of human decency. The world needs more people like you. Even if your grammar and capitalization are atrocious.
Professor Daniel Burke
Professor Burke I don’t care much for my grammar or capitalization when replying to a blog. If this was a term paper and I was a pupil again maybe I would care for your opinion. Even though you are a educated person, you don’t have to be an ass.
jayboson,
What a coincidence. I too, do not care much for your grammar and capitalization. I must disagree with your assessment of what is in fact worthy of proper writing, and what is not. If we only strive to be our best when it is required of us, how can humanity ever hope of reaching the next echelon of evolution. Where would we be if those that created our country decided to merely be adequate rather than extraordinary?
A response to a blog, should possess the same care and effort put forth by the original poster. There is no merit in trivialities. Even young Mister Fagot above tried to put some effort into his tirade. It may have been erroneous, riddled with misspellings and illogical analogies, but it had passion. It had the hint of a spark of betterment hidden deep within.
If you only try your best when a grade is involved, you are settling for the status quo. But the status is should never truly be quo. If life is stagnant and unchanging; feeding upon itself like an Ouroboros, Nothing is ever gained or achieved. Life will just continue a never ending cycle of mediocrity unless we as a species take the necessary steps to change things.
In regards to my status as an “ass” I must agree to disagree. I am not an ass but a mentor. I am a guiding light in a see of grammatical decay. The need to educate comes from on high. It is my purpose in life to create a better culture. I do this one step at a time. I hope you understand that, I am here not to mock you, but to help you become the best you can ever be; Even if it isn’t much.
Your Humble Mentor,
Professor Daniel Burke
Mr. far from humble and for sure not my mentor….go fuck yourself. You have too much time on your hands. Done!
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